Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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