tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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