Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
