an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
