I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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