I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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