i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
