I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
