The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
