what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
