just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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