So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
