how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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