I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
