If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
