You can't motorboat a personality
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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