I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
