I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
