It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Mom said you looked used
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
