I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
