So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
