I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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