If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
