My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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