literally had 100 drinks last night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
