Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
