he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
