does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
