I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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