My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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