I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would punch a child for taco bell
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
