I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
