are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
