When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
