looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This house was built for laser tag.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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