No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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