Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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