dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
