I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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