so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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