Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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