please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I stole a fireplace last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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