Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
this hospital has no fireball
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
