It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
