the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
