I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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