I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
