i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
