I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
