im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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