my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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