Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize