She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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