Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
