I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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