he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
