Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize