I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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