i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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